A couple’s decision to divorce creates a ripple effect among nearly everyone they know.  But there is no process for deciding who gets custody of their friends.   The more contentious the divorce, the more awkward many friendships may become.

Alice and Paul, a young professional couple, enjoyed cooking.  Together with two other couples they knew through Paul’s work, they formed a “dinner club.”   The couples took turns hosting monthly theme dinners featuring elaborate menus and carefully chosen wines.  Everyone got into the spirit, exploring ethnic cuisines and creating table decorations that expressed the dinner’s theme.  The club had been going strong for three years when Paul shocked Alice by moving out and asking for a divorce.

Some weeks later in the grocery store Alice saw Debbie, one of the wives from the dinner club, coming toward her in the cereal aisle.  As they made eye contact, Debbie abruptly turned around and headed hurriedly off in the opposite direction.  Alice just stood there, stunned.  Was she a complete pariah without a husband, she wondered.  Was Paul saying terrible things about her to their friends to justify his decision to leave?  Would she have any friends left at all by the time the divorce was over?

Whose Friends Are They?

A couple’s decision to divorce creates a ripple effect among nearly everyone they know – family, friends, coworkers, neighbors.   Through the divorce process itself, the couple will formally divide their physical possessions.  If there are children, arrangements will be made for each parent to spend time with them.  But there is no process for deciding who gets custody of their friends.  The more contentious the divorce, the more awkward many friendships may become.

The longer a couple has been together, the more friends they are likely to have in common.  But even those who have been primarily “his friends” or “her friends” can feel as though they are trapped in the middle between two people they genuinely like.  Friends can feel uncomfortable listening to a spouse recite bitter, perhaps intimate complaints.  It seems vaguely disloyal to converse with the “other” spouse during a chance encounter.   Social events that would once have included the couple are strained by the obvious exclusion of one.

Friends Without Drama

Divorce is hard, and those enduring the process certainly should be able to turn to their close friends for emotional support.  At the same time, keeping the divorce civil can ease the emotional turmoil for principals and friends alike.  Couples who choose a collaborative divorce promise to treat one another with respect and civility.   An added bonus is being able to tell friends, “We can’t stay together, but we’re working to have a cordial relationship with each other in the future.”  When friends know they don’t have to take sides, that it’s okay to say hello in the grocery store, everyone can relax a little.  In the end, there’s less lost in the divorce because friends don’t feel the need to distance themselves from one or both spouses.

Alice had no contact with Debbie for several months and so was very surprised when they met by chance and this time Debbie approached her.  After some awkward greetings, Debbie apologized for the incident in the grocery store.  “I just didn’t know what to say to you,” she confessed.