What exactly is a “collaborative divorce?”  We all know what divorce is and what it means to collaborate, but how can the two go together considering that the decision to divorce usually is the culmination of conflict and frustration? With the help of specially trained professionals, couples can approach divorce in a cooperative spirit that helps them complete their separation respectfully and move forward with their lives without excessive emotional turmoil, even though they are not getting along.

Let’s clarify at the outset that a collaborative divorce produces a legal document that specifies how the couple’s assets and debts will be allocated and makes provisions for the care of any children they may have.    In this regard, it is the same as a traditional divorce.  Whether you collaborate or litigate, at the end of the process, you will be legally divorced.  The difference is in how you get to that point.

In a traditional divorce, each spouse works with his or her own attorney, who is trained to “get the best deal possible.”  Disagreements over how property is divided are often bitter. Battles over the children can greatly disrupt the family dynamic.  Divorce attorneys may advise their clients to have limited communication with one another and may probe for complaints about the spouse that can be used in court.  Many a parent has been astonished at the charges leveled against her in a child custody dispute.

Couples who want a less divisive alternative can opt for collaborative divorce.  Husband and wife will each hire their own attorney.  The wife’s attorney will be her personal counsel and will be accountable to her.  The husband’s attorney will serve him in the same capacity.   But each spouse will choose an attorney who has been trained to negotiate in a collaborative manner and to be engaged with a team of other professionals to work through the legal, financial and emotional issues of the separation.

The couple will be asked to agree to some basic principles of collaborative divorce.  They will promise not to litigate, but to settle their differences through the collaborative process.  They will promise to treat each other with respect.  They will promise full disclosure of the information needed to make informed decisions, including financial information.  They will promise to put the interests of their children first.

Husband and wife will meet together with members of the team, called “coaches” because they coach the couple through the range of decisions that need to be made to end the marriage.  The most important fact is that the couple will make all decisions for themselves.  A financial counselor will review their situation with them and help them to decide how to divide their assets so that each can live independently.  A child specialist will help the parents craft their co-parenting agreement.  To facilitate this joint problem-solving process, a licensed mental health professional or social worker may help the couple work on their negotiation or communication skills.

It may seem that the involvement of so many support professionals would make collaborative divorce more expensive than the traditional route.  But because the process is not adversarial and the couple is working together to decide their future arrangements, collaborative divorce usually proceeds more quickly and costs less than litigation.