That’s the thing about a contested divorce:  it’s often ugly and it’s public. There’s no better example than the drama being played out between former New Jersey Governor James McGreevey and his estranged wife Dina Matos McGreevey.

An old friend who thought he was quite the wit (and sometimes was) used to say, “She can’t help being ugly, but she doesn’t have to go out in public.”   That’s the thing about a contested divorce:  it’s ugly and it’s public.  There’s no better example than the drama being played out in the pages of the Trenton Times between former New Jersey Governor James McGreevey and his estranged wife Dina Matos McGreevey.

The Shocker that Started It All

In one of those scenes to which we’ve become accustomed, Mrs. McGreevey stood stoically by his side as her husband confessed to an extra-marital affair and announced that he would resign his office.  The only twist was that he also proclaimed, “I am a gay American.”  In an article in Oprah magazine, Mrs. McGreevey says she learned that fact one hour before the news conference and that in part she was emotionless because she was in shock.

The Battle is Engaged

Now the McGreeveys are reporting to court for an estimated six weeks to battle over some of the ugliest allegations imaginable.  He says they had three-way sex with a male staffer. She denies that, but accuses him of duping her into marriage to conceal his homosexuality and advance his political career.  He says he’s broke.  She says he’s conspiring with his millionaire boyfriend to conceal assets.  Another front in the war zone was custody of their six-year old daughter, but the judge mercifully sealed the records in the custody portion of the case.

Privacy Equals Dignity

Granted, the McGreevey divorce is pretty high on the ugliness scale.  And maybe (but not necessarily) the uglier the issues between the spouses, the greater the temptation to seek vindication through public accusations.   But is it worth it?  Do other people really need that much detail about what went on in your marriage?  What’s the impact on your children of detailing their parents’ failings in open court?

Here’s the thing: what happened, happened.  You can’t change it now.  You can’t help it if it’s ugly.  But you can keep from making it public.  Through the collaborative divorce process, spouses – even spouses with deeply hurt feelings – are helped by their coaches and collaborative lawyers to create a mutually acceptable and confidential agreement ending their marriage.  With that, it’s over, it’s private, and everyone can move on with their lives with their dignity intact.